So, a second wave and another lockdown, huh? Who would’ve thought\u2026 but here we are.<\/p>\n\n
If during the first lockdown there was a general atmosphere of “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” \u2014 making the most of the time with the kids at home, endless recipes for homemade butter and clothes sewn from curtains (yes, yes, I wrote about it too, back in March) \u2014 this time it feels completely different. \nThere\u2019s heaviness. Despair. Many people have lost their jobs or are at the very least facing huge uncertainty about their future \u2014 both financially and health-wise. \n<\/p>\n\n
And here we are again \u2014 Zoom, remote learning, the holidays celebrated in the smallest possible forum, and the looming sense that nothing guarantees there won\u2019t be a third lockdown, and that we won\u2019t find ourselves in this same place all over again.<\/p>\n\n
Fun, right? You\u2019re glad you came to read this\u2026 I promise, it gets better. Just a little more patience.<\/p>\n\n
Lately, I\u2019ve been preoccupied with one question:<\/p>\n\n
\u201cWhy is it so hard for us to be home with the kids?\u201d<\/p>\n\n
I want to take a moment to really hold onto this question \u2014 not to settle for the obvious answers (and there are many of those) that I believe are relevant to all of us at some point during the day:<\/p>\n\n
These are the four that immediately come to mind.<\/p>\n\n
But when I keep thinking about it, I try to channel that curious three-year-old who loves to ask \u201cWhy?\u201d about everything she\u2019s told or hears.<\/p>\n\n
\u201cBut why?\u201d Why is it really like this? These answers feel like the tip of the iceberg. Surely there\u2019s more beneath the surface. And maybe if I keep asking, I\u2019ll understand better, and that might make it easier. And maybe I\u2019ll even question the automatic answers I came up with and try to change something so it could be different.<\/p>\n\n
This deep-dive led me to some more complex understandings \u2014 and I\u2019ve decided to share them with you, hoping they might offer some relief not just for me. \nEach of these realizations led to more questions, which I\u2019ll also share \u2014 maybe they\u2019ll help in some way: \n<\/p>\n\n
So\u2026 why is it so hard to be home with the kids?<\/p>\n\n
They tend to reflect our own traits back at us \u2014 even the ones we don\u2019t particularly like about ourselves. And conversely, they sometimes don\u2019t pick up the traits we were hoping they\u2019d inherit.<\/p>\n\n
Don\u2019t get discouraged \u2014 sometimes it aligns beautifully. If you look closely, you\u2019ll see they also have some of your better qualities, and others they didn\u2019t get from you at all (and thank goodness!). These kids are complex beings \u2014 not all good or bad.<\/p>\n\n
But often, it feels like they aim their most unbearable traits directly at us. As if they know it drives us crazy and push those buttons on purpose. \nSometimes it\u2019s tiny little things\u2026 but they can feel impossible to deal with. \n<\/p>\n\n
The important (and hard) thing to remember: usually, it\u2019s not about you \u2014 it\u2019s just how they are. You might have a super messy, scattered child \u2014 while you\u2019re hyper-organized and strict. Or a quiet, introverted child who prefers one close friend \u2014 while you\u2019re the social butterfly still in touch with everyone from high school. \nIt\u2019s easy to get drawn into resentment and tit-for-tat over these differences. \n<\/p>\n\n
Most of the conflicts I witness as a therapist between teens and their parents center around this exact issue \u2014 similarities and differences. \nIt\u2019s painful to be confronted by a trait in your child that you were hoping they wouldn\u2019t inherit. It\u2019s like a boomerang \u2014 sharp and personal. \n<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s also easier to get angry at your kids than at yourself. \nWe\u2019re all a bit prone to projection \u2014 and that\u2019s normal. It helps us protect ourselves. \n<\/p>\n\n
I suggest pausing at the end of the day \u2014 not when you\u2019re angry or triggered \u2014 and asking yourself:<\/p>\n\n
\u201cBehind that unbearable behavior I saw today in my child\u2026 is there a trait I recognize in myself? If so, what is it? And how do I usually deal with that trait (besides pretending it doesn\u2019t exist)?\u201d<\/p>\n\n
Which brings us to the next answer:<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s hard to handle behaviors we interpret as negative or ungrateful: whining, boredom, complaining about everything. \nThis isn\u2019t what we taught them, right? \n<\/p>\n\n
Kids of all ages express what they feel \u2014 through behavior. \n(Yes, even withdrawal or wanting to disappear is a behavior. And we should pay attention to it, especially if it seems unusual.) \n<\/p>\n\n
They\u2019re often unaware of the emotion or need behind their actions. \nOne of our key roles is to help them connect emotion, experience, and behavior \u2014 so they become more self-aware and can express their needs in healthier ways over time. \n<\/p>\n\n
That sounds great in theory \u2014 but often?<\/p>\n\n
It just\u2026 doesn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n\n
A tired or hungry child (or teen) might act out with impatience or aggression. Sound familiar? \nIt gets more complicated when the need is emotional or abstract \u2014 like seeking validation, comfort, or attention. \n<\/p>\n\n
And now, with the kids home all the time and no clue how long it will last, none of their external needs are being met \u2014 like: \n\u2022\tsocial belonging \n\u2022\tintellectual stimulation \n\u2022\tstructured learning \n\u2022\tdealing with authority \n\u2022\tdeveloping personal skills through classes or group activities \n<\/p>\n\n
No matter how hard we try to create routine and warmth \u2014 this period is marked by disruption, disconnection, and massive uncertainty. The kids feel it. They react \u2014 with more anger, more complaining, more fighting with siblings, more tears over things that seem small to us. \n<\/p>\n\n
We can\u2019t pretend everything is normal. Because nothing is. \nAnd we can\u2019t meet all their needs or make up for everything that\u2019s missing. \nWe\u2019re not teachers, not entertainers, not their classmates. We\u2019re just their parents \u2014 and we can only give what we reasonably can. \n<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s worth pausing to ask ourselves: \nWhat really matters to us right now? \nWhat are the non-negotiables? \nWhat can we drop for now?<\/p>\n\n
To help with this endless wave of demands, aggression, and criticism \u2014 I proudly present\u2026<\/p>\n\n
The Restart Button!<\/p>\n\n
You might be surprised to hear: you already have this button. \nIt lets you reset the situation and start again. \n<\/p>\n\n
You can encourage your child to rephrase, to reconsider how they speak, how they treat their siblings. \nYou can gently reflect their needs or suggest your own guesses at what\u2019s behind the behavior. \nDo it calmly, not to shame them: \n\u201cCan I offer you a snack? Want to sit with me and talk?\u201d \nNot: \u201cYou\u2019re obviously hungry and THAT\u2019S why you\u2019re being so annoying!\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n
The Restart Button doesn\u2019t ignore boundaries. It reminds your child that you\u2019re human too \u2014 with limits, emotions, and principles. <\/p>\n\n
But it also says: \n\u201cI see your struggle. I\u2019m here to help, as best I can.\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n
Try experimenting with your voice, too. \nCan you speak a little softer? A little calmer? \nTiny changes like that can completely shift the home\u2019s atmosphere. \n<\/p>\n\n
Yes, it\u2019s exhausting. And yes, sometimes you just want to scream at everyone to go to their rooms and leave you alone.<\/p>\n\n
But in those moments, try asking: \n\u201cWhat\u2019s really going on here?\u201d \n\u201cWhat\u2019s missing that would make this easier for everyone?\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n
You don\u2019t have to entertain your kids 24\/7. \nThis situation will have frustrating moments \u2014 even days. And that\u2019s okay. \nFrustration is necessary for growth. \n \n<\/p>\n\n
It teaches kids how to manage discomfort and find their own solutions. \nAnd it reminds us that we don\u2019t have to create harmony and perfect parenting in every single moment.<\/p>\n\n
Ever heard of the game \u201cDreams\u201d? A card game \u2014 beautiful illustrations and a million rules. <\/p>\n\n
I can\u2019t stand it.<\/p>\n\n
There. I said it. I can’t stand it and I can\u2019t ever remember all the rules. It’s too much for me and honestly, it bores me. \nBut my kids? Obsessed. They play it every chance they get. \nSo then comes that rare moment where I finally have a bit of free time, and I say \u2014 even while regretting it \u2014 \u201cOkay, let\u2019s play something! Pick a game.\u201d And guess what they choose. \nYeah. That one. \nIt was disheartening for all of us and led to more than one argument \u2014 after all, I said to pick, right? \n<\/p>\n\n
Eventually, I had to admit something \u2014 to myself and to them: this is our time, and before I\u2019m a mom, I\u2019m actually a human being with preferences and desires. \nAnd although I try my best to accommodate their needs and wants whenever I can\u2026 this game? For me, it’s more of a nightmare than a dream. \n<\/p>\n\n
That\u2019s where my boundary lies. I don\u2019t play it. \nThe same goes for certain books, or other activities. \nIt\u2019s so easy to fall into self-blame \u2014 \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t I just push through and be 100% present for the kids?\u201d \nAnd now, even more so, since they\u2019re home all the time and there\u2019s no one else to turn to! \nBut the flip side of that statement is: \n\u201cI\u2019m doing my best to meet my kids\u2019 needs and interests \u2014 but not at any cost. If I play a game I hate, it shows. And the whole experience is diminished.\u201d \nThat\u2019s totally okay. There are always other options. \n<\/p>\n\n
It also sets a good example for the kids: \nIt teaches them to recognize their own likes and dislikes, to be mindful of others\u2019 boundaries, and to be flexible. \nYes, yes \u2014 I could try being more flexible and maybe learn to love the game. \nOr maybe not \ud83d\ude0a \nBut I do try. And I\u2019m okay admitting when it\u2019s not working. \n<\/p>\n\n
We can also choose to be happy that our kids are developing interests different from ours \u2014 that\u2019s not a bad thing at all. \nYou can support them in growing those hobbies and interests without being an active participant. \n<\/p>\n\n
Here are some questions you can ask yourself: \n\u2022\t\u201cDid I do my best to meet them halfway, considering the emotional resources I had at the time (attention, energy, patience, willingness)?\u201d \n\u2022\tIf not: \u201cWhat could help me be more present and genuine next time?\u201d \n\u2022\tAnd a deeper one: \u201cHow does it feel to realize my kids and I don\u2019t always enjoy the same things or see the world the same way?\u201d \nAnd if I had to guess \u2014 in many cases, that question leads us right into the next topic\u2026<\/p>\n\n
As I write the word \u201cguilt,\u201d my 4.5-year-old walks up to me and says, \n\u201cMommy, you\u2019ve been on the computer for half a day already. When are you coming to be with me?\u201d \nSo I let her type the rest of this post and she was happy. \n<\/p>\n\n
(Joking. I took a break and came back later. Be kind!)<\/p>\n\n
There\u2019s no nice way to put it: guilt is one of the most corrosive emotions \u2014 and not just in parenting. \nBut now, with the kids home constantly, it rears its head in full glory. \n<\/p>\n\n
Like any emotion, we need to give it space and acknowledge it \u2014 but just as importantly, we need to find the volume dial and ask: \n\u2022\tWhen does it take over? \n\u2022\tWhen does it become the driving force behind everything we do \u2014 or worse, the thing that paralyzes us? \n\u2022\tWhat fuels it? What\u2019s its \u201cfertilizer\u201d? \n<\/p>\n\n
Chances are, all the previous points in this post feed right into it \u2014 creating one big, overwhelming soup of ugh. \nTotally understandable. But it\u2019s worth examining guilt more closely to break it down a bit. \n<\/p>\n\n
One reminder I like to tell myself in these situations: \n\u201cYou can\u2019t keep wearing your \u2018mom hat\u2019 if your head can\u2019t breathe sometimes.\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n
We\u2019re still whole people. We have other \u201chats\u201d we wear in life, even if we don\u2019t get to wear them as often right now.<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s hard to be with the kids all the time because it\u2019s draining \u2014 and it constantly reminds us of the kind of parent we wish we could be in a perfect world\u2026 \n\u2026what we wish we could give them\u2026 but haven\u2019t had the chance. \n<\/p>\n\n
On top of that \u2014 this period brings up a lot of challenges (for them and for us). \nSome of them are old, resurfacing now that there\u2019s no routine to push them aside. \nAnd that alone can bring up tension, anxiety \u2014 and yes, guilt. We\u2019re suddenly witnessing every single behavior up close. \nIt\u2019s all in our face \u2014 stuff that might require support or professional help. \n \n<\/p>\n\n
To help ease the guilt a little \u2014 here are some helpful questions: \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat\u2019s my safe haven?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat fills me up?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cHow can I bring more of that into my day, even within the limits of the current situation?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat are my sources of strength?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWho can I talk to now that would lift me up?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat will help me remember that all this is temporary?\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n
When the self-criticism gets too loud, and you\u2019re flooded by all the things you didn\u2019t do today \u2014 try asking: \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat did I manage to do today?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat can I change moving forward to feel less guilt?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWhat am I most unhappy about?\u201d \n\u2022\t\u201cWho can I ask for help with this specific issue?\u201d \n\u2022\tAnd just simply: \n<\/p>\n\n
\u201cWhat can I do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n
That last question is simple \u2014 but powerful. \nIt works for many situations. \nPersonally, I find it helps to make a list of possible actions \u2014 even far-fetched ones. \nEven if I don\u2019t follow through with them, just knowing I have options gives me a sense of control, ability, and hope. (I promise to write a future post full of \u201ceasy things to do now \u2014 alone or with the kids.\u201d) \n<\/p>\n\n
I hope this helped even a little. \nJust a reminder: in situations like this, feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and inadequacy can be very real and very strong. \nThe heaviness may feel personal \u2014 but you’re not alone in it. \nThese are common feelings, shared by people around the world \u2014 not just in parenting, and not just in this country. \nThis is all part of a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.<\/p>\n\n
Try to be kind \u2014 first and foremost to yourself, and also to those around you, especially your kids. \nTheir intentions are good, too. They\u2019re trying their best \u2014 truly. \n<\/p>\n\n
But if it all feels too big, too overwhelming, unfamiliar or scary, or it\u2019s affecting your functioning in a harmful way \u2014 \nPlease don\u2019t stay silent. \nReach out. Share how you feel with someone close. \nOr turn to a professional. You deserve support. \n<\/p>\n\n
Sending strength your way. Take care of yourself \u2014 and here\u2019s to easier, brighter days ahead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If during the first lockdown there was a general atmosphere of \u201cmaking lemonade\u201d\u2014making the most of the situation and the time at home with the kids\u2014filled with recipes for churning butter and sewing clothes from curtains,
\nthis time around the overall feeling is completely different.
\nThere\u2019s heaviness. Despair.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6439,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[137],"class_list":["post-6438","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-1","tag-covid-time"],"yoast_head":"