{"id":6441,"date":"2020-11-11T08:28:00","date_gmt":"2020-11-11T06:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.shira-aharony.co.il\/%d7%a0%d7%95%d7%a2%d7%a8\/"},"modified":"2025-10-12T07:23:59","modified_gmt":"2025-10-12T04:23:59","slug":"youth-going-astray","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shira-aharony.com\/en\/youth-going-astray\/","title":{"rendered":"Youth Going Astray"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A teenage boy gets up at one minute to eight.<\/p>\n\n

Not brushing his hair, not brushing his teeth.<\/p>\n\n

He\u2019s been in the same pajamas for two, maybe three days.<\/p>\n\n

The house is quiet\u2014the younger siblings are at daycare, the parents are at work. He is alone.<\/p>\n\n

He grabs something from the kitchen and settles in front of the screen \u2014 another school day about to begin.<\/p>\n\n

He\u2019s not really certain of today\u2019s schedule; it\u2019s already been changed a few times in the past days. The teacher checks attendance, and some think it\u2019s just funny to shout \u201chere\u201d to check if she knows who said it \u2014 but she doesn\u2019t really look anymore.<\/p>\n\n

Honestly, he can understand her. How many times can you track every little square (on the screen), every day the same chaos. If someone\u2019s here \u2014 they\u2019re here. What difference does it make?<\/p>\n\n

A few minutes pass and he\u2019s already losing focus. Everything sounds and looks the same, like one long day.<\/p>\n\n

Sometimes he even considers participating in class, really answering a question, but he\u2019s not always seen; sometimes people speak all at once and you can\u2019t hear everyone, so he gives up. He\u2019s not going to fight for it.<\/p>\n\n

So he\u2019s neither seen nor heard, but on the other hand \u2014 someone can see into his room, into his privacy; he\u2019s broadcasting involuntarily from his space. He doesn\u2019t feel comfortable even moving in his chair, yawning, or getting up to drink. It all feels extremely front-facing and there\u2019s no Zoom buffer<\/p>\n\n

His nose looks huge to him and his face is full of untreated pimples; it\u2019s very noticeable. He\u2019s sunk inside himself, comparing between him and the others, positioning himself and wondering whether others are also concerned about this or is it only him. He dims the lights a little; maybe then he’ll feel more bearable.<\/p>\n\n

The academic load just grows, and it seems every teacher thinks she\u2019s the only one teaching. He doesn\u2019t blame them \u2014 they just want to keep up with what\u2019s being demanded \u2014 but how is that possible? So there are many additional assignments (not \u201chomework,\u201d because now everything is \u201chome\u201d), also tests, quizzes, lots of tasks.<\/p>\n\n

Every few days they declare a \u201cZoom free day\u201d and allow those who are totally overwhelmed and forgotten to make up for delays. But it\u2019s not enough.<\/p>\n\n

His parents have read some article that emphasizes the importance of going outside, physical activity, meeting with friends under the guidelines. They beg him to get out \u2014 but when? Where does he go? With whom? Where can one sit nicely and talk freely without feeling homeless?<\/p>\n\n

All the plans and outings he had planned for this stage of his life have evaporated. They can\u2019t happen now, and many of his friends\u2019 parents are really afraid to let them leave the house because that class has already gone through several cycles of isolation. No clubs, no youth movements \u2014 at least not as he used to know them \u2014 and it\u2019s really not suitable to pile on more Zoom hours.<\/p>\n\n

And everyone is already at the breaking point, frustrated by the situation and by him, by how he handles it, why he doesn\u2019t help more around the house, why he\u2019s in his room all day, why he has such a sour face, or bursts out just like that, why he doesn\u2019t use this time to do things he used to love. Who even remembers what fun used to be? There\u2019s no simple fun anymore; everything is procedure and risk management now.<\/p>\n\n

And who knows when this will end \u2014 they talk about bringing back the older grades, the younger ones are already there \u2014 when is he\u2019s turn? Maybe they have forgotten him at home?<\/p>\n\n

*****<\/p>\n\n

This description reflects and gathers a variety of experiences of teenage boys and girls whom I\u2019m working with during this difficult period.<\/p>\n\n

Of course we all are coping right now with a ton of uncertainty and with painful emotions.<\/p>\n\n

Even apart from Covid \u2014 and especially since it entered our lives \u2014 adolescents experience life in high intensity and in dichotomies. Everything is either amazing or horrific (try to remember how you were at this age). It\u2019s important to keep this in mind when trying to ease their burden or even just when interacting with them in these crazy days.<\/p>\n\n

So based on my close work with teens in recent years, I\u2019m sharing ways to help your teenager feel more at ease (maybe even content at times), without clich\u00e9s and without lemonade. I know there are some challenges, but nevertheless:<\/p>\n\n

  1. \u2022\tLet them vent \u2014 even complain together, that\u2019s okay, and it does help. They understand there\u2019s little to do and that this situation is absurd; they don\u2019t expect you to solve it for them \u2014 they just need to let off steam without being judged or silenced. So let them, and join with them. Complaining together is fun and freeing, and it legitimizes and normalizes the feeling. If possible, complain until you laugh about it \u2014 at them and at ourselves; that\u2019s even better.<\/li>
  2. \u2022\tFind reasons to leave the house \u2014 don\u2019t force, don\u2019t fight, don\u2019t shout: \u201cCome on, you\u2019re growing mold in your room, get out a bit!\u201d Even though you might feel that way. It\u2019s useful to ask them to go to the store, to pick something up at the post, to take a younger sibling somewhere. Let it be incidental, not ideological, because anything forced becomes draining and they\u2019ll find many reasons to refuse. Even when asking them to help \u2014 they\u2019ll find excuses why not of course \u2014 but still: for everyday things, I believe you\u2019ll face less resistance when they\u2019re outside, external tasks, things demanded by the moment.<\/li>
  3. \u2022\tInvite them to shared outings \u2014 an evening walk, cooking together, even errands, but together. They may seem so grown-up already but also big kids enjoy going to the supermarket with mom\/dad and buying treats. So offer that. Buy a takeaway coffee and sit for seven minutes on a bench. Nowadays even that counts as an outing. And talk about silly stuff, normal things, not about the pandemic.<\/li>
  4. \u2022\tSurprise them \u2014 try to remember small things those \u201clittle\u201d kids (who are now teens) used to love before they grew thorns. Maybe leave a funny note in the morning, grab a book from the shelf that looks like it might interest them and leave it next to the bed, send a cute message during the day with a silly gif or anything else. You can also buy things but I purposely focus on things that are not bought but built on shared memories and remembering your softer, pleasant places together.<\/li>
  5. Watch a series together \u2014 I know, they already have plenty of screen time, and yet \u2014 you can get a lot out of shared viewing of a TV show and leverage it for something meaningful. In the midst of Survivor<\/em> season in Israel, when it became really intolerable to watch, I suggested to my specific teen that we watch the American<\/em> seasons together; it started just because I was annoyed that this is what she thought was the \u201csimple and great\u201d format. In the U.S. there have already been forty seasons, each short and focused, and they address important issues reflecting the American culture nicely, without trash, with fair and sportive competition between people who came to compete cleanly. Every season focuses on a different type of relationship and that\u2019s very interesting; separation to tribes by gender, generation, origin, socio\u2011economic status etc. It sparked many conversations here about those issues. And this is still reality TV! Imagine how much one can mine from watching a scripted series \u2014 maybe even a classic \u2014 one you loved in childhood.<\/li>
  6. \u2022\tTalk with them and listen: keep in mind that nothing stays like it was. Speak briefly, with touches here and there; you don\u2019t have to get into soul searching every day. It\u2019s worth checking who they are talking\/messaging with, who has disappeared from their life; many teens are confused and also disconnecting from friends, whether there are some around your teen \u2014 which also affects them and causes shrinkage in their usual friend circle. Talk casually about what comes up, unrelated to school tasks, without questioning, without accusing. And listen. If they\u2019re not asking for advice or opinion \u2014 you needn\u2019t give it; you can just be with them in the slump, that\u2019s enough. And maybe there\u2019s something very simple and small you could do for them, but they just didn\u2019t ask, maybe didn\u2019t think you\u2019re free or that you\u2019d agree or that it\u2019s a ridiculous idea. Surprise them pleasantly even in those contexts.<\/li>
  7. \u2022\tAdvice for those more advanced: organize their room together. E.g.: you can rearrange closets if not yet done, refresh a bit, maybe change the room d\u00e9cor along the way. Open a window in both senses \u2014 literally and figuratively; give warm attention to their room, now it\u2019s also their classroom, their office, their main space where they spend most of their time, so help them feel good and pleasant in it. I\u2019m sure once you ask them afterward to tidy up during the routine, they will be more ready to cooperate.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n

    There\u2019s so much more to do. The overarching principle: remember that inside, there is a boy or girl whose whole-life reality has changed \u2014 and continues to change \u2014 and the future is very uncertain. Each one has soft places that want to cuddle together, wants to be told it will be okay and that this will end, that things will get better. Honestly, we all need that, not they alone.<\/p>\n\n

    If you feel all this isn\u2019t enough, that there is an impenetrable barrier, that your teen is in distress: consider bringing in a professional who can help you get closer and understand better what might help.<\/p>\n\n

    consider bringing in a professional who can help you get closer and understand better what might help.<\/p>\n\n

    \r\n
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    A teenage boy gets up at one minute to eight.
    \nNot brushing his hair, not brushing his teeth.
    \nHe\u2019s been in the same pajamas for two, maybe three days.
    \nThe house is quiet\u2014the younger siblings are at daycare, the parents are at work.
    \nHe is alone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6442,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[133,137],"class_list":["post-6441","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-1","tag-adolescence","tag-covid-time"],"yoast_head":"Youth Going Astray - Shira Aharony - Connecting Threads<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A blog post on \u201cMaterials Outside the Box\u201d by Shira Aharony, exploring ways to support teenagers who have spent extended periods in isolation at home.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/shira-aharony.com\/en\/youth-going-astray\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Youth Going Astray - 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