“Guilt” and “shame” are the two wicked sisters of trauma.
They raise their heads after something hard happens and start working diligently:
“Why didn’t I do more?”
“How come I didn’t think to act differently?”
“Why did it take me so long to respond?”
“Why am I not doing as much as that person or that one?”
“Why is it so hard for me to be with the kids right now? I have no right to complain!”
Their voices grow louder and become dominant in our minds. Now, we’re not only coping with the event itself, its consequences, and the fear it stirs—but also with them, unwelcome guests who settled in without an expiration date. No matter what we did, where our home is, what resources we have, or in what state the event found us, guilt and shame lurk in every little thing—every mundane action that used to be routine and taken for granted, but now feels like a fragile privilege. Because we survived. Because we’re still here, and that’s quite random. And scary.
It’s important to emphasize that this is completely understandable and logical. You want to help, but it’s also hard—there may be a huge fear of stepping out, being pulled in, shaken up, or hurt. And it’s already difficult to know what exactly is helpful, for whom, and for how long.
The road ahead is still long. There’s so much left to do, and countless ways to reach out—so many, and more will come. It’s important that we try to be compassionate, both towards ourselves and others, reminding ourselves that we have done and will do our best given our circumstances. And yet, at the same time—it’s always possible to improve, it’s never too late.
In recent days, countless command centers have been opened to help in so many ways. I want to offer you—if you want to help but feel overwhelmed and confused by the events and initiatives—that you can also open a simple room, at home or in your heart, physical or emotional. It’s not necessary to open a war room with a complex logistical system.
You can find a humble, small way to feel a sense of purpose and meaning.
They are extremely important, their value no less than the help itself, and their presence will help shame and guilt leave sooner and make room. Purpose and meaning can assist in alleviating the difficult feelings that accompany the anxiety and fear caused by the events themselves.
To achieve a sense of purpose and meaning, there’s no need to spiral into overwhelm or push yourself to the limit. Your strength and resources — and those of all of us — are finite and limited. It’s important to listen to them so that we can continue to help and be a steady, long-term anchor for those whose worlds have been shattered, as well as for our close surroundings.
They too need to be cared for, kept close and well.
