Enjoy your Hanukkah sufganiyot! Or not. Of course, you don’t have to. Some people don’t like them, and if you’re one of those, that’s totally fine—don’t eat.

But if you do like them, if they taste good to you—eat, even just one.

You can have more, I’m not counting for you

If you decided to skip them altogether for some reason—that’s perfectly okay. Your choice.

Just please, try not to inject all your negative feelings about yourself into that one doughnut; guilt, fear of looking silly or childish, fear of getting messy, fear of showing simple pleasure from tasty food, the desire to control yourself or others, fear of raising kids who don’t know how to control themselves. That’s a lot to put into one doughnut, and even so, with all the toppings people pile on them these days—it’s heavy enough.

Every year as the holidays approach, especially Hanukkah, the voices of teenagers rise again in tension, bracing for the coming battle. In this fight, there are two fronts—the buffet front and the adults tormented by the sight of the buffet. It’s hard to say which one is harder.

I’m betting my chocolate gelt on the second.

Even teenagers who are not usually concerned with weight or appearance (surprisingly, there are such teens), who are generally comfortable with themselves and have relatively good body image, are also now troubled by issues of fat and calories.

But now there’s no room for other matters, let’s put all the world’s pains aside in light of the horror—the approaching horror.

Winter is coming, and with it the wave of doughnuts and latkes threatening to drown us all; it awakens voices and raises demons from their lairs. Here come the foods that “will bring us down,” after a whole year of eating only leaves and steamed food, Tibetan monks, and now the big test has arrived—the doughnut test.

Seriously? Haven’t we overdone it a bit? Could it be that in our eagerness to educate about healthy nutrition, lifestyle, and moderation (all of which are very important in this age of plenty and are part of the current language) — we’ve also brought along a fear of food, a tendency toward extremes, shame about eating in public, and other messages we didn’t intend to pass on? Maybe very harsh words have entered our vocabulary when serving certain foods (not only at Hanukkah), words we turn inward at ourselves, and our children pick up and apply to themselves? “I ate one skewer too many,” “I wasted a cake and now I’m doomed,” “Good thing I didn’t pile it on like it was the end of the world.”

A bit harsh talk, no? Not very kind to ourselves at least.

Our teenagers are at a stage where they are building their identities.

The whole world is now under a magnifying glass, like a huge audition deciding what gets accepted and what doesn’t, what is right and what isn’t.

Some will identify with us—the adults around them—and adopt behaviors, statements, and beliefs from home one to one; others will discover critical thinking and a desire to rebel, causing them to choose exactly the opposite path from ours.

Either way, whether you raised mini versions of yourself or the exact opposite—extreme behavior will bring you and them to extremes, to unbalanced and immoderate behavior. When it comes to food, this is often a recipe for disaster.

In general, nutrition is complex, tricky, and full of traps. We want to teach our children to eat healthily and diversely, but also to allow themselves occasionally to stray without feeling terrible about themselves.

The doses are what make the whole thing complicated. Every home has very different rules; we don’t want our children to hold themselves too tightly at home and feel the need to compensate when elsewhere or out with friends, and we certainly don’t want them to keep secret from us what they ate and lose the ability to talk openly about it.

We want them to enjoy special occasions, birthdays, and holidays—but not to overdo it, to learn appropriate limits. But what are those? When is it too much? Is our “too much” their “too much”? Is it our role to decide when enough is enough? When should we intervene? After all, we want their well-being.

There are expert therapists in nutrition and eating disorders, and it’s important to consult them in cases where you feel that food controls the household or one of its members in an unusual or extreme way. If you’re unsure—it’s always better to consult than to ignore. And please make sure they are true experts in the field.

Anyone working with teenagers encounters this issue at some point and to some degree. This doesn’t mean everyone has an eating disorder, but it is a very common and widespread topic in adolescence, charged and causing much tension and conflict—between parents and teenagers and also among teenagers themselves. I don’t know many parents who think their children eat properly or as they would like.

In some cases, this issue also leads to social conflicts, sometimes even shaming and bullying. Food and eating habits are central issues that influence conversation and norms among children and youth. Quite a few girls and boys (in my opinion mainly girls but certainly not only) already feel uncomfortable eating around others from mid-elementary school onwards, even if they’re just eating a regular school sandwich.

Hanukkah is a festival of light, and we have a great opportunity to shine a lot of light on this issue and be a good, healthy role model for those around us (including adults, by the way). We can choose to be better and healthier role models—emotionally and mentally, starting today.

We can approach food, even calorie-rich food, as simply what it is, and not as something that says something about us or our self-control. We can try to avoid the conversations over the serving dish and just eat, without declaring “just one,” or “just this once,” or “starting tomorrow—diet.” Also—because as adults we know this is nonsense, and because it sends the message that it’s not okay to eat, enjoy, break routine, celebrate—even celebrate regretting the next day. Even then it’s not a sin worth punishing ourselves over.

We can also skip completely without making dramatic declarations about the circumstances and considerations of the choice; just avoid it, no need to expect a following crowd.

If all this feels too much for you, if you feel boundary-less, out of control, and extreme—first of all, it’s a good time to reflect and take care of yourself, regardless of the kids and teens around you. Until then—try not to put yourself and those around you in impossible and tormenting situations. If for you it’s impossible to handle certain foods healthily and they’re very sensitive and triggering—try not to bring them into the house and then argue over who ate what, how much, why, and whether it’s okay.

And don’t interrogate the kids about what they ate outside. You choose your choices, and they choose theirs.

Have a sweet and happy holiday.