A teenage boy gets up at one minute to eight.
Not brushing his hair, not brushing his teeth.
He’s been in the same pajamas for two, maybe three days.
The house is quiet—the younger siblings are at daycare, the parents are at work. He is alone.
He grabs something from the kitchen and settles in front of the screen — another school day about to begin.
He’s not really certain of today’s schedule; it’s already been changed a few times in the past days. The teacher checks attendance, and some think it’s just funny to shout “here” to check if she knows who said it — but she doesn’t really look anymore.
Honestly, he can understand her. How many times can you track every little square (on the screen), every day the same chaos. If someone’s here — they’re here. What difference does it make?
A few minutes pass and he’s already losing focus. Everything sounds and looks the same, like one long day.
Sometimes he even considers participating in class, really answering a question, but he’s not always seen; sometimes people speak all at once and you can’t hear everyone, so he gives up. He’s not going to fight for it.
So he’s neither seen nor heard, but on the other hand — someone can see into his room, into his privacy; he’s broadcasting involuntarily from his space. He doesn’t feel comfortable even moving in his chair, yawning, or getting up to drink. It all feels extremely front-facing and there’s no Zoom buffer
His nose looks huge to him and his face is full of untreated pimples; it’s very noticeable. He’s sunk inside himself, comparing between him and the others, positioning himself and wondering whether others are also concerned about this or is it only him. He dims the lights a little; maybe then he’ll feel more bearable.
The academic load just grows, and it seems every teacher thinks she’s the only one teaching. He doesn’t blame them — they just want to keep up with what’s being demanded — but how is that possible? So there are many additional assignments (not “homework,” because now everything is “home”), also tests, quizzes, lots of tasks.
Every few days they declare a “Zoom free day” and allow those who are totally overwhelmed and forgotten to make up for delays. But it’s not enough.
His parents have read some article that emphasizes the importance of going outside, physical activity, meeting with friends under the guidelines. They beg him to get out — but when? Where does he go? With whom? Where can one sit nicely and talk freely without feeling homeless?
All the plans and outings he had planned for this stage of his life have evaporated. They can’t happen now, and many of his friends’ parents are really afraid to let them leave the house because that class has already gone through several cycles of isolation. No clubs, no youth movements — at least not as he used to know them — and it’s really not suitable to pile on more Zoom hours.
And everyone is already at the breaking point, frustrated by the situation and by him, by how he handles it, why he doesn’t help more around the house, why he’s in his room all day, why he has such a sour face, or bursts out just like that, why he doesn’t use this time to do things he used to love. Who even remembers what fun used to be? There’s no simple fun anymore; everything is procedure and risk management now.
And who knows when this will end — they talk about bringing back the older grades, the younger ones are already there — when is he’s turn? Maybe they have forgotten him at home?
*****
This description reflects and gathers a variety of experiences of teenage boys and girls whom I’m working with during this difficult period.
Of course we all are coping right now with a ton of uncertainty and with painful emotions.
Even apart from Covid — and especially since it entered our lives — adolescents experience life in high intensity and in dichotomies. Everything is either amazing or horrific (try to remember how you were at this age). It’s important to keep this in mind when trying to ease their burden or even just when interacting with them in these crazy days.
So based on my close work with teens in recent years, I’m sharing ways to help your teenager feel more at ease (maybe even content at times), without clichés and without lemonade. I know there are some challenges, but nevertheless:
- • Let them vent — even complain together, that’s okay, and it does help. They understand there’s little to do and that this situation is absurd; they don’t expect you to solve it for them — they just need to let off steam without being judged or silenced. So let them, and join with them. Complaining together is fun and freeing, and it legitimizes and normalizes the feeling. If possible, complain until you laugh about it — at them and at ourselves; that’s even better.
- • Find reasons to leave the house — don’t force, don’t fight, don’t shout: “Come on, you’re growing mold in your room, get out a bit!” Even though you might feel that way. It’s useful to ask them to go to the store, to pick something up at the post, to take a younger sibling somewhere. Let it be incidental, not ideological, because anything forced becomes draining and they’ll find many reasons to refuse. Even when asking them to help — they’ll find excuses why not of course — but still: for everyday things, I believe you’ll face less resistance when they’re outside, external tasks, things demanded by the moment.
- • Invite them to shared outings — an evening walk, cooking together, even errands, but together. They may seem so grown-up already but also big kids enjoy going to the supermarket with mom/dad and buying treats. So offer that. Buy a takeaway coffee and sit for seven minutes on a bench. Nowadays even that counts as an outing. And talk about silly stuff, normal things, not about the pandemic.
- • Surprise them — try to remember small things those “little” kids (who are now teens) used to love before they grew thorns. Maybe leave a funny note in the morning, grab a book from the shelf that looks like it might interest them and leave it next to the bed, send a cute message during the day with a silly gif or anything else. You can also buy things but I purposely focus on things that are not bought but built on shared memories and remembering your softer, pleasant places together.
- Watch a series together — I know, they already have plenty of screen time, and yet — you can get a lot out of shared viewing of a TV show and leverage it for something meaningful. In the midst of Survivor season in Israel, when it became really intolerable to watch, I suggested to my specific teen that we watch the American seasons together; it started just because I was annoyed that this is what she thought was the “simple and great” format. In the U.S. there have already been forty seasons, each short and focused, and they address important issues reflecting the American culture nicely, without trash, with fair and sportive competition between people who came to compete cleanly. Every season focuses on a different type of relationship and that’s very interesting; separation to tribes by gender, generation, origin, socio‑economic status etc. It sparked many conversations here about those issues. And this is still reality TV! Imagine how much one can mine from watching a scripted series — maybe even a classic — one you loved in childhood.
- • Talk with them and listen: keep in mind that nothing stays like it was. Speak briefly, with touches here and there; you don’t have to get into soul searching every day. It’s worth checking who they are talking/messaging with, who has disappeared from their life; many teens are confused and also disconnecting from friends, whether there are some around your teen — which also affects them and causes shrinkage in their usual friend circle. Talk casually about what comes up, unrelated to school tasks, without questioning, without accusing. And listen. If they’re not asking for advice or opinion — you needn’t give it; you can just be with them in the slump, that’s enough. And maybe there’s something very simple and small you could do for them, but they just didn’t ask, maybe didn’t think you’re free or that you’d agree or that it’s a ridiculous idea. Surprise them pleasantly even in those contexts.
- • Advice for those more advanced: organize their room together. E.g.: you can rearrange closets if not yet done, refresh a bit, maybe change the room décor along the way. Open a window in both senses — literally and figuratively; give warm attention to their room, now it’s also their classroom, their office, their main space where they spend most of their time, so help them feel good and pleasant in it. I’m sure once you ask them afterward to tidy up during the routine, they will be more ready to cooperate.
There’s so much more to do. The overarching principle: remember that inside, there is a boy or girl whose whole-life reality has changed — and continues to change — and the future is very uncertain. Each one has soft places that want to cuddle together, wants to be told it will be okay and that this will end, that things will get better. Honestly, we all need that, not they alone.
If you feel all this isn’t enough, that there is an impenetrable barrier, that your teen is in distress: consider bringing in a professional who can help you get closer and understand better what might help.
consider bringing in a professional who can help you get closer and understand better what might help.
